October 14, 2012
by Noel Levan
Each week I sit with people who are at odds with one another, in my capacity as a mediator at the Fairfield Center downtown. I listen intently as they lambast one another, accuse one another, deride, demean, power-trip, and so much less frequently collaborate for their mutual well-being and the well-being of their children. The relationship that they once en-joyed having gone south, will never return. I see all too frequently that these individuals have a paucity of interpersonal communication skills, lack general awareness, and are living in fear; of victimization and of poverty. I see poverty of words, poverty of ideas and poverty of action, and every time, when the case is finished, when I’ve typed up the agreement that will go before a judge for ratification, I am exhausted from my effots. I’ve done my best to assist these people to make better sense of their situation, to improve their awareness of the potential for better communication and thought-full actions; in short, to care about each other. I also, more-often than not sigh, in great relief, recognizing how immensely blessed I am, in so many ways.
The mediation process is (for me) about getting to “what worksâ€. My directive to clients is, “We’re here to create a document that will work for you and your children, for the foreseeable future.†I talk with clients about how they know that things change in their lives and whatever we come up with today may only be workable for them until such time as something changes significantly enough to warrant changing the document, so that it continues to work for them.
That’s mediation. It’s empowering people toward just solutions to difficult and ongoing, relationship-based interactions.
When I sit with them and witness all the extremes of their emotions, part of my job is to reflect it back; acknowledge and praise their participation (under less-than-ideal circumstances), validate their feelings and ensure that the other person is present to hear those feelings. I know that quite often it’s hard to hear that you’ve caused another pain, and it’s also hard to forgive and move on; particularly when there are children who (hopefully) benefit from the presence of each of their parents.
My observation in mediation and in my own relationships bring me (almost forcibly) to consider how our world “works†and/or doesn’t work.
Over the years my views have changed; who’s haven’t?
I haven’t been looking for God since I determined that God was invented by man so that we could have someone (outside ourselves) to blame for our misfortunes and bless for our fortunes. As such my path has been pretty consistently about the question, “What works?â€
Maybe the issues of balance come up for me now because of our government/the elections, the issues we face in this community, our commonwealth, our nation, the world? I think about collaboration toward goals for the common good. Wouldn’t global compassion work better than armed, violent extremity of action? I don’t have answers so much as I have questions.
Just so; there is a duality of questions and answers.
There’s a good deal of our lives that seem guided, perhaps all too frequently by duality. Laura and I one evening over dinner discussed some of the extremes of ideas that seem to have grips in peoples’ lives; different ways of seeing the extremes of world views/ belief systems/perspective and therein the point at which these divergent, end of the bell curve notions, are juxtaposed in many dimensions; always on a spectrum of ideas, and always (seemingly) at odds over the possibility of more encompassing, mid-point balance.
Poverty and Wealth
Participant and Observer or Active and Passive
Optimism and Pessimism
Love and hate
Introversion and Extroversion
Intentional or Adrift
Destiny or Free will
Producer or Consumer
Indulgence or Abstinence
Enlightenment or Ignorance
Science and religion
One person’s treasures; another’s trash.
One person’s religious beliefs; another’s belly laugh.
Perfection v/s sloth, ? What is perfection? And why is it destined always to be a pursuit? Why?
Practice as a path, or not.. What of random acts (of kindness)?
A life devoted to the path of right action vs. what?
No path at all?
Life of service to self or others…
What is the middle-way?
I recall learning many years ago that in western cultures innumerable words describe various states of illness and few describe states of health. Maybe there’s a link here to the way we think about our lives. So, why is it that there are so many words to describe the extent to which we may express a spectrum (and often its contrary forces), rather than words that state the mid-point of these spectra?
“The path to enlightenment is difficult and as narrow as a razor’s edge.â€
Some of you may know the book or and the film known as The Razor’s Edge. The story by Somerset Maugham has been brought to film twice; I recommend it to you.
I’ve learned a little (at least) over the years, from great films more often perhaps than from books. For now I’m attempting to broaden my perspective on Balance in my own life. For me the razor’s edge seems a path of balance.
While these thoughts of balance and extremity have been swirling over recent weeks, I awoke one morning with thoughts of Zen archers on horseback. They’re history relates that in order to consistently hit the center of any target, they must “Be the arrow, be the bow, be one with the targetâ€, (as well as the movement of the earth and the horse they are riding). That notion of being one with all has a certain attraction for me.
As individuals of the (“I remember when…†era) we have taken time, materials and tools, techniques, brought them together to practice their use toward some goal of creating an object (as in many of the crafts that have been made obsolete either by technology or the simple loss of “craftsmanshipâ€). And we can probably agree that it is practice that brings any thoughts of perfection; although these days, with instant gratification, I am never surprised when I hear someone say that they “can’t†do something, because they’ve never tried AND their expectations are so unrealistic, they image that they should be able to create a masterpiece with their first effort.
The Zen archer embodies the mastering of an art-form, several crafts (they create their bows and arrows, and train their horses) and a devotion to practice, toward perfection; a singularity of focus, on a single point in space and time; each and every time. And they miss that acquisition of perfection, more often than they acquire and maintain it long enough to attain their singular, momentary goal.
Accuracy then, seems another aspect of centeredness; of bringing together myriad forces, skills, and intentions, through practice, to attain perfection, whether of the moment or a deed (or both).
And how long can an individual continue so, in what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has termed “the flow experience� For me ‘flow’ tends to moments. On occasion (as when I’m working on a project, whether craft or some more functional act (like gardening or building something) it may be minutes to hours. It’s that feeling that we get when the time has flown, we’ve something we consider worth our while accomplished, simply experienced or created, and we come to an awareness of how much time has gone by, perhaps how tired we are (or energized) and/or how hungry we may be.
I’m looking to increase my time in flow, (a target, if you will allow) at the heart of my thoughts and actions; keeping aware of the extremes of thinking and actions in myself and those around me; keeping closer to the razor’s edge and seeking the one-ness in my experiences in this particular here and now.
But wait, there’s just a tiny bit more.
An Indian mystic wrote:
“Individuals suffer because they perceive duality. Find the One everywhere and in everything, and, there will be an end to pain and suffering.â€
The graphic representation of Yin – Yang (translated as Light and Shadow) presents a little of the one in the other. I’ve learned that they are not opposing (dualistic) forces so much as they are meant to be complementary and parts of a greater whole. Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet, and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime.
Yang, by contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime.[5]
“Complementary and parts of a greater whole†is that which I value as a tenet of my ongoing exploration.
So, now I’ve experienced and am ever available to flow experiences. Each morning I awaken with more questions. I shamble to sit before the electronic window on our world, and write out the question in the little Google box. Then I follow many paths; whether over the thresholds of Wikipedia, YouTube, some esoteric and/or arcane web sites; observing and gobbling up mega-“bites†of information. This path (these days) is as wide as the ether-based library of words, pictures, video and Ted talks. My questions ‘all-ways’ find audience. The path is SO wide. The way is narrow. I’m focused on being present (based on Alice Morse Earle’s assertion) “The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.”
My path encourages me to make sense of my path, so that it is a clean, caring one. It’s just one path among many. What’s abundantly clear to me is that each of us only get one path; whether to trail blaze, or follow in the well-worn ways of others. And if I seek answers at all, it’s always with an intention; to embrace the holistic center; in balance.