January 22, 2023
By Bill Faw
My outline is quite simple: An emotional episode begins as we make snap, gut-feeling or rational judgments that a person, thing, or situation is threatening or rewarding in some way. Our emotions then change as our judgments change. Our judgments change when the external situation changes, or when we clarify an ambiguous situation, or when we place the current situation into the context of past experiences, present concepts, or future expectations. As we look at some of these ways that we do this in our daily life, notice how several familiar proverbs are designed to moderate emotional responses.
First: Changing or Leaving a Situation Changes our Judgments, which Changes our Emotions
We are constantly changing situations to make them better and to decrease our negative emotional responses: everything from cleaning the house, to trying new work procedures, to apologizing for our thoughtless comments.
Of course, many changes are out of our control: especially the death of a loved one, which brings dramatic changes to our mood and emotional responses. In ‘grief work’ we change back our mood a bit, by reminding ourselves of pleasant and humorous episodes involving the loved one, by finding new activities, and by establishing new relationships which somewhat replace the loss.
In addition, adopting Tennyson’s perspective that, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” can temper our grief by the consolation that we grieve so deeply – why? — because we loved deeply, and that deep love and grief somehow give meaning to life and deepen our character.
More generally, being able to affirm that “what I have gone through has made me who I am”places our sorrows, disappointments, and guilts within a wider ‘judgment’ which mellows the emotional pain of those sorrows, disappointments, and guilts.
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