By Lisa Ellison
February 5, 2012
To live is to engage in work. The body engages in constant work – the lungs filling with air, the heart pumps. Our minds engage in problem solving, learning, and decision-making. Together the body and mind take action. Life is the only job we do not apply for and the only one where termination is guaranteed after an unspecified number of years. We are not given explicit job descriptions. We may or may not know our qualifications. We may spend the whole time wondering why we are here.
I’m asking you to consider that your life is spiritual vocation –something important, something filled with purpose, something that is wonderful just as it is, in whatever shape it’s in. A vocation is a summons or strong inclination to a particular state or course of action. It comes from the Latin “vocatio,†which means summons. Spirituality from a counseling perspective is the search for meaning. It’s the journey into the self where we discover who we are, who we want to be, how we connect to others, how we make meaning, and where we find hope. For some people spirituality is tied to religion, for others it’s not. Some people say they do not have any spirituality. That is also spirituality.
Our job as spiritual sentient beings is to make meaning from our experiences. We do this all of the time whether we want to or not. It’s how we’re wired. We cannot help but do it. Things are good, bad, pleasurable, painful, worth our time or a waste of time. The question we must ask ourselves is not whether we engage in spirituality at this level, but how we do it. Do we make meaning in ways that quiet the soul, promote compassion towards ourselves and others and instill hope and resilience, or do we make meaning in ways that promote hatred, division, mistrust, and despair for these are also spiritual practices. I believe that spirituality has to have a heart/head connection. So many times I’ve heard people say I understand it intellectually, but I don’t feel it in my heart, and so things do not change. If we do not connect to that innermost part of ourselves, we cannot move forward in our lives.
The world is a mess. It’s always been that way. Most of the time I think we spend our lives trying to avoid the mess. That’s usually my first inclination. Pain, struggle, suffering –let’s pass on that! Suffering can be seen as bird shit on your shoulder, something to complain about, get rid of, and hate. The more pain a person feels the more chances they have to feel lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled. These are real possibilities. At certain times in my life, that’s been my experience. But suffering is also filled with blessings. If a bird shits on your shoulder, more than likely you’ll look up. You may see a beautiful sky. Suffering and struggle offer us the opportunity to ask why, and to engage thoughtfully in the meaning-making process. Most importantly, it offers us a chance to understand the human condition – to experience empathy that allows us to connect with others and have compassion. We can say that we’ve been there. We understand. When we haven’t been there we are more likely to lose our patience and feel baffled by someone’s attempt to simply do the best they can at any given moment.
As a budding counselor, I am fascinated with how we make meaning in our lives. In fact, my job is to sit with people while they engage in this process. I usually hear the painful, confusing parts, the things people wish had not happened, or want to undo – regrets, injuries, fears, grief. I hear the questions Randy talked about a couple of weeks ago: How do I feel normal again? What do I need to do to be normal? I hate the word normal because it sets up false expectations. There is no “normal.†There’s common and uncommon, centered, and uncentered. I think that’s what people want – to feel like they are understood and standing on solid ground. I am amazed by the courage that people can show in the face of insurmountable odds, and the ways they find stability and hope in the midst of utter despair.
Pain and struggle are inevitable parts of our lives. I’ve been incredibly busy over the past few weeks. As the end of January grew near I found myself wondering what in the world I could say people might find to be helpful. I worried that I might not make sense. I would be deficient. I might screw up. The fifteenth anniversary of my brother’s death is on Wednesday. When you lose someone to suicide you become immersed in the unanswerable “why†of what has happened. It’s been a long time and I’ve shed many tears and settled some “whysâ€, but I think certain anniversaries –especially ones ending in fives and zeroes have a way of bringing things up. I have to admit, it’s been on my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s been hard to create something that had a sense of meaning.
Over the past three weeks as I’ve contemplated this talk I’ve heard the following messages during my meditations:
From Shakespeare – All the world’s a stage (and my addition) even the best actors flub their lines from time to time.
From a reading by the yoga instructor Rolf Gates – you are perfect just as you, in the place where you are. For the most part in terms of this talk, it’s been a place of not knowing.
While practicing yoga on Monday morning, I heard — Be human, and real.
Intellectually I knew these were important messages, but they did not calm the anxieties in my heart, so I decided to go back to my basics.
First I did a reframe. I’ve had some well-intentioned mentors and support people tell me the following during times of suffering: This is a wonderful chance to address your karma. This is a great opportunity for you to practice new skills such as patience, acceptance, mindfulness, and giving up to a higher power. I think the reframe I like best is the one we use in my counseling program – AFGO (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity). It gives me a chance to acknowledge the whole “oh man I hate this,†and then to take a deep breath and realize that there is abundance hidden in whatever I will encounter.
I practice yoga as regularly as I can. I believe that practice is the key to life. I have lots of little practices that help me make meaning. Practice is a great thing. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I can start over any time I want. Practice breeds strength, competence, and confidence. In my yoga class before we start to work on more challenging poses, my instructor will ask us to open to grace. On a physical level it involves opening our heart, expanding our chests in a way that allows our bodies to be strong and soft simultaneously. It’s acknowledging and sitting with discomfort that allows for growth but prevents injury. I have tight muscles so this can be a challenge for me to physically open like this. In our minds it requires us to be open to possibilities, to challenge our abilities, and to accept where we are. Some days that’s a huge challenge.
In my daily life I have a specific practice that I use to open to grace. It’s my way of acknowledging I’m stuck, worried, and don’t’ know where to turn so I’ll allow the universe to inform my answer. It’s my god box. I could also call it my box of empirical evidence for faith. My god box is a small wooden box that makes this wonderful whooshing sound when I close it. I’ve written the serenity prayer inside it and the following phrase, “I give this issue and my will to you.†My practice is simple. I take out a small piece of paper and write down whatever worry or issue is on my mind. I fold it and give it a title and a date. I recite the serenity prayer along with my phrase and slam the box shut. Sometimes I have to put things in there over and over. Every now and then I will open up the box and take everything out. I’m amazed at how things have a way of working themselves out. They may not work out according to my grand plans, but they work out nonetheless. When I open to grace, I acknowledge the discomfort that I don’t know, that I’ve lost my way, that I have no answers. I let go of expectations.
Once I’ve put something in my god box I follow the guidance of the wonderful Buddhist monk Thich Nat Hahn, and let peace be in every step. Sometimes all it takes is for us to put one foot in front of the other, intentionally moving forward in a way that will lead to a destination. When the forest is dark that’s the best thing to focus on – one step and then the next. That’s what I have done.
As we end today I’d like for us to contemplate together. If you happen to have your meditation beads with you, get them out and touch the largest one. Close your eyes. Let’s take three big breaths together and reflect on these questions:
- What do you have faith in?
- Where do you find hope?
- How do you experience serenity in your body?
- How do you experience serenity in your mind?
- What is it like to not know the answer to a burning question?
- How do you open yourself to grace so you can find it?
When you leave today I would encourage you to write down one thing from this week that brings you anxiety. Choose something without a good answer. Put it in your wallet and open to grace. Next week, pull it out and see what you notice.
Shanti, Shanti, Shanti, Namaste
May you be at peace. The light in me honors the light in you.