By Linda Dove
Sunday, October 5, 2014
It’s pot-luck Sunday today when we give and receive food and share fellowship among our guests and ourselves. In my recent talk on Giving I said I would follow up sometime with the flip side of the coin, Receiving. Today’s the day. First, I’ll remark on the topic and then I’ll focus on how Receiving fits into our UU journeys together, as I see it.
Of course, we all sometimes receive from one another, whether gifts, services, caring—or even things we don’t want to receive.
Either/Or
The wider culture uses Either/Or thinking—Givers/Takers, Selfless/Selfish, Responsibility/Rights, Generosity/Miserliness. In general, we focus on Givers more than Recipients. We see Givers as acting from a sense of abundance; Receivers from scarcity or greed.
Stereotypes in the media contribute to this. Givers are heroes—deservedly—Iraq veterans, nurses, fire-fighters. Recipients are villains—Labor Unions, Big Banks.
• John Stewart recently did a satire on this. He showed the TV talking-heads on six different prime-time news programs all expressing outrage that people on food stamps were buying— seafood.
• And Annette Bosworth, a political candidate in S. Dakota, wrote on FB that food stamp Recipients are wild animals. She made her point by quoting the National Parks Service asking visitors not to feed the wild animals because that makes them dependent on humans.
Being on the Receiving End
Mostly, when we say we’re on the receiving end we feel we’re being diminished. I know of a WWI widow who refused to accept her government pension as a senior even though she needed it.
Of course, it’s a truism that Givers and Receivers are two sides of the same coin; we can’t receive without others who give, and vice versa. There’s a lovely Chinese saying, "Fragrance clings to the hand that gives the rose". I suggest a complementary saying, "Fragrance pervades the heart of the one who receives the rose".
In my previous talk I discussed what I see as right ways of Giving, Serving and Stewardship. My proposal today will be that there’s a right way to receive others’ offerings and that that’s at the core of right relationships among UUs.
Studies on Receiving
There are many studies on Givers but few on Receivers, in line with our culture’s bigger focus on Giving.
Most of the research is on organizational change.
1. Scholars address the receptiveness of employees to new workplace behavior, shifting from competitive individualism to cooperative teamwork. Adam Grant’s 2013 best seller Give and Take values Givers in teamwork but pays scant attention to Receivers. He sees them only as "takers". He asks who gets promoted—givers, takers or, "matchers" (those who keep score of Giving-Receiving). Grant’s conclusions are no surprise. Coworkers don’t trust matchers and matchers don’t get far up the career ladder. Coworkers don’t trust takers who appear self-serving and takers often end up at the bottom. In contrast, coworkers do trust givers as team players. Givers are far more likely to get to the top. (See Grant’s online test to explore where you come out on this).
2. Studies on archetypes are suggestive. (Archetypes are tendencies we all have but may not be aware of). Several are particularly relevant to unbalanced receivers. (I over-simplify to make the point).
• Saboteurs don’t believe they’re worthy to receive positive things. So they refuse to accept them—when we wave aside a compliment, for instance.
• Victims have a "poor me" stance. They feel hard done by, not receiving the good they deserve.
• The needy inner-child archetype can shape adults’ behavior. In their neediness, they sap energy from others. Edgar Cayce taught that unconditional love from parents and teachers can equip children to deal maturely with their needs as adults. Indeed, behaviors dominated by all these archetypes are sometimes interpreted as cries of pain from folk who’ve not received love and attention.
• A study in the therapy field notes that troubled marriages often have unequal power relationships and unhealthy giving-taking behavior. Giving spouses act unreservedly to make their partners happy even at the expense of their own happiness. Spouses who always accept the giving, but rarely give, act in their own interests and don’t care about their partner’s feelings. Both are unaware that the behavior is unhealthy and so they don’t talk together about changing. (marriagebuilders.com).
I suggest that our ability to grow personally and spiritually in part depends on becoming aware of whether our Giving and Receiving is out of balance. Then we can choose to rebalance it if we wish.
Receiving in the UU Tradition
Let’s turn now to ourselves as UUs. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what helps a congregation like ours maintain its rich religious or spiritual life. For guidance, most UUs don’t rely on the words of a divine being outside ourselves, a holy book, a creed, or religious laws. Rather, individuals explore their own paths and each congregation takes responsibility for developing its own religious life, with support from the UUA as it wishes.
At the heart of our congregation’s rich life is the mutual recognition by and of each one of us as a religious/spiritual being. One aspect of this is behavior that is being open, welcoming and receptive to the Giving, Service and Stewardship by our fellow UUs. Mutual stewardship, giving AND receiving, I propose, is the deep well-spring of our congregation’s religious life.
Let’s look at this.
• Our 4th UU Principle commits us to a free and responsible search for truth and meaning. The sharing of life-experience (as in our covenant groups) and wisdom (as in our Sunday services and religious education) are gifts we can all use to enrich our search for truth and meaning.
• Our 3rd Principle asks us to encourage each other to grow spiritually, be the best we can be, get closer to the divine—whatever our vision. This calls for a UU congregation to share inspiration and support as we journey together.
To be true to our UU principles, I suggest that vigilance by each one of us to nurture our congregation, embracing the collective wisdom we are offering and receiving from each other.
Trust, Openness and Integrity
So, I ask of myself how do I cultivate right relationships as a Recipient of the gifts of our congregation? What attitudes and skills do I develop? I suggest four things as essential.
• First, I need to be trusting of others and their good will; to catch myself when I make untested assumptions about another person’s motives or intentions. I need to remember at all times our Unitarian and Humanitarian heritage which prompts us to value the inherent good in all persons above the bad. The Christ within, if you will.
• Second, I need to be open to the wisdom and experience all others have to offer me, including those with whom I may not be comfortable first off. Didn’t the early Universalists reject the exclusiveness of Christian traditions? Their ideal was to embrace and see the value of everyone.
• Third, it follows that I need to be open to listening deeply to the fullness of someone else’s sharing rather than responding immediately with my own stories.
• Last, to engender mutual trust, I need to communicate from my own true self in every encounter and expect the same from others.
I don’t think twice about getting on an elevator where the trustworthiness, openness, skill and integrity of the inspector mean the difference between life and death. Why then close myself off from Receiving what another congregant offers me?
This is my thinking, then. I suggest a congregation flourishes when we all give and receive in a balanced way. Trust, openness, skill and integrity are attitudes and behaviors that foster right relationships among us and are at the base of our core principles. As the mystic Susan Trout teaches, we are all students and teachers to each other.
Self-Care and Lessons Learned
You’re probably thinking it’s all very well to intend to trust and see the good in everyone. How dangerous! But no, we should not be Polyannas when we carefully assess the evidence and conclude that a person is out to cause harm. To protect ourselves, of course we need to be discerning, set appropriate boundaries— and teach our children to do the same.
No doubt, we sometimes receive all manner of grief from others’ behavior, intentional or not. I expect we have all found it hard in the moment to detach from a pained reaction. But, if we take a deep breath, we can usually choose to see the encounter differently, to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, even to realize, with hindsight that the other person offered us a gift. The person taught us to see ourselves in the mirror and choose not to behave from the dark side of ourselves.
Spiritual Relationships
Our 7th UU Principle echoes modern physics as well as many religious traditions in holding that we’re part of the interdependent web of all existence. Don’t you find it awesome that all your thoughts, intentions, emotions and behavior ripple across the universe and affect others for good or ill, even for generations? Doesn’t it make sense to view all our encounters as spiritual Giving and Receiving by our true selves through which we enrich our congregation’s life?
Doesn’t the Hindu/Buddhist greeting, Namaste, get at all this? At its simplest, Namaste means "I bow to you". It’s an acknowledgement of the gifts we offer each other as students and teachers on the spiritual journey we travel together.
To end, I quote from The Prophet by the poet Khalil Gibran. He comments on being grateful for what we receive in a thought-provoking way. Khalil says, "And you Receivers—and you are all Receivers—assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives. Rather rise together with the Giver on his gifts as on wings.