By Cathy Strickler
February 14, 2021
Hi Everybody, it’s really great to be here with you all and have the opportunity to talk. Thank you Merle, I really appreciate you for asking me and I really appreciate you all for listening. I also appreciate and thank everyone who has made these programs possible. They have been a consistent source of connection and comfort.
When Merle asked me to speak I knew right away that I wanted to talk about compassion because I had been thinking about it a lot lately. I have enjoyed the process of writing and getting my thoughts organized.
The main thing I want to talk about is what I’ve found helpful in difficult situations where I react with a strong negative response. Sometimes it’s a harsh judgement, anger, deep irritation, or deep disappointment. Ideally, compassion is a better response. Compassionate thinking is the necessary first step to compassionate action. But sometimes we don’t even get to first base with compassionate thought. It’s easy to run the bases when the object of our compassion is easy to be compassionate to. But it’s hard to even swing the bat to try to get to first base when we’re faced with people who seem hurtful to other people or to us, who seem to reject us or disappoint us, who seem mean or irrational, whose actions are abusive or violent, people who are so damaged that they seem to have no redeeming value, people who we think have done huge damage to our world and who we disagree with so strongly that we want to scream, cuss, get as far away as possible or completely shut out. The trouble with compassion is that sometimes it’s really hard, and even seems impossible.
It’s also really hard to be compassionate with ourselves. We hear a lot about self compassion but many of us have been raised in a family or culture that valued competition and achievement, where criticism and judgement outweighed compassion and acceptance. This makes it difficult to change the self criticism and judgement, the expectations we have of ourselves. Self criticism is so easy to do, to expect ourselves to always be available to others, always mature, fully functioning. We very often don’t give ourselves a break but self compassion is essential in order to widen compassion’s circle.
To take a step back and to look at the big picture, I went to the gold standard of knowledge – wikipedia. I actually thought it was a good write up. Among many aspects of compassion, it covered the fact that all the great religions have compassion as a core value. U. U.s continue that with our Seven Principles, I’ll read the first two: 1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person. 2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations. This implies the goal is to have compassion for every person. Again, very hard to do. And one of UU’s favorite hymns, ‘Spirit of Life’ begins with ‘Spirit of life, come unto me. Sing in my heart all the stirings of compassion’. The Dalai Lama spoke to this, he said: ‘I believe that at every level of society – familial, tribal, national and international – the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth of compassion.’ It’s like a lot of heavy hitters have neon signs all around flashing ‘Compassion, Compassion, Compassion. So maybe we should take it seriously that compassion may be essential to our survival.
In the past I’ve found journaling to be helpful in processing negative emotions. Meditation, too, is probably the major tool to compassion and I really appreciated Pamela offering that today. But I wanted something quick that I could immediately summon to detour negative thoughts from taking over and growing. About 3 years ago, I came across a quote in a novel I was reading that really stuck with me. So much so that I’ve memorized it, written it down several places for easy access and even wrote it on my forearm with a magic marker for a while.
The book is ‘Lincoln in the Bardo’ by George Saunders. Bardo is the Buddhist term for purgatory, and here, spirits are talking to each other in the graveyard.
The quote is:
We must try to see one another in this way. As suffering, limited beings –
Perennially outmatched by circumstance,
Inadequately endowed with compensatory graces.
This helps me a lot, it’s my mantra. Not only is it the content but when I force myself to remember and recite it, it requires my total attention. It works the same way other psychological exercises or spiritual practices work. I call it a trick. I consciously choose to trick my automatic, learned, negative response into one that is understanding and compassionate. It’s really no different than distracting an angry toddler with a more attractive alternative. When I started using this quote, it was like finally somebody didn’t just tell me to be compassionate but I actually had map to get there, one I can use all the time. I think of it now as my security blanket, my big fluffy comforter that I can curl up in.
But, truth be told, it doesn’t always work. That’s why I love the first three words of the quote and I think they are essential. We. Must. Try. It doesn’t say we’ll be successful but it does say ‘must’. And, it doesn’t say ‘we must see’, it says ‘we must try to see’. If we are unsuccessful in this attempt, this gives permission to be compassionate about not always being compassionate. The phrase ‘We must try’ does not demand success, it does say we must try.
The next phrase ‘to see each other as limited, suffering beings’ gives time to look and to try to understand exactly how is that person limited and suffering. It’s important to take the time to focus on the causes, whether it’s for ourselves or another person. It can be health issues, money issues, aging issues, relationship issues. As the author of ‘Lincoln in the Bardo’ goes on to say, we all have known, know or will know sorrow.
Then we move on to ‘Perennially out matched by circumstance’. Perennially is an important word. The quote doesn’t say ‘always’, it says ‘perennially’. We all, hopefully, have wonderful periods in our lives where we thrive. We use our strengths to see what is needed, what we want to accomplish, and that is all to be celebrated. The word perennially is a reminder not to have concrete expectations of ourselves or others. I get caught in that trap a lot.
When I’m in the middle of relating this quote to a current troubling situation the phrase ‘outmatched by circumstance’ helps to focus my thoughts on what circumstances might this person or myself be outmatched by right now. Most of the time, with others, we’ll never know but we can make educated guesses that lead to compassion. We can relate that phrase right now to the pandemic that is a challenge to us all. The stress of isolation, the spector of death, financial issues, all take a toll in weird and unusual changes of behavior and thoughts. We may withdraw, become short tempered or abusive to others. Here is where it helps to remember to view ourselves as limited and suffering. Because we are. We can be outmatched. It means letting go of always seeing ourselves as capable. It means we really are, at times, limited and suffering. We need extra self compassion right now. Having a heightened awareness of this can help us be vigilant for ourselves and even more understanding of others who are struggling. This extra compassion is the best Valentine’s present we can give to ourselves and each other.
The last line of the quote ‘inadequately endowed with compensatory graces’ leads to thinking about our own or others life experiences, again, most unknown, but that can be imagined. They can include a difficult childhood or adulthood with lasting, painful trauma such as abuse, neglect or loss, that give reason to why we can’t rise to the occasion, why we need to disengage, why we need to rest and heal. And again, this leads to compassion for ourselves and others.
This is not to say that the person in question gets a pass on their behavior that is problematic, dangerous or destructive. It does mean that we approach them in a whole different state of mind and probably a whole different response. Nor, does it lessen our resolve to work for justice and equality. It does make the resolve come from a more sustainable motivating emotion.
Another aspect of compassion that I want to mention has to do with groups of people. In group situations, if the group norm, which is verbalized and valued, is to view each other with compassion, there is a better chance that people will choose to continue to be part of that group knowing that their own behavior, many times less than perfect, is met with compassion. Continued involvement means more energy and action in the world. It fits with the concept and theme of this month’s HUU programs ‘The Beloved Community’. To quote the Dalai Lama again speaking of compassion: ‘We don’t need to become religious, nor do we need to believe in an ideology. All that is necessary is for each of us to develop our good human qualities . . . . It is the practice of compassion.’ This can take the form of a compassionate response to a negative or thoughtless comment. It could go like this ‘I hear what you said. Right now I’m stressed and need to think.’ Then a pivot to ‘We must try..’ and quietly reciting the quote can lead to a different response than the one that may have initially come from anger or defensiveness.
U.U.s encourage an ever widening circle of compassion. This brings up the issue of where to focus our involvement. It’s impossible to act on every compassionate thought. Each individual situation calls for consideration. There is compassion made real through political activism and community organizing that is as important as traditional acts of compassion of individual aid. We all are drawn to different ways of giving compassion.
One last closing thought and quote. We all need a lot joyful, fun filled, beauty filled, satisfying experiences that refresh and feed our souls. But there is a lot of hurt out there that if we agree with the UU principles, we will try to attend to. And for that, a handy and strong response of compassion is a useful tool, whatever that tool may be.
And the closing quote that spoke to me is from Mary Anne Evans, the British writer who used the pen name George Elliot. She said ‘When death, the great Reconciler, has come, it is never our tenderness that we repent of, but our severity.’
Thank you.